There is a major heartbreak incident with one of my friend love very very very deeply. A girl who is honest, kind and chrismatic. Althoguht I totally dislike the guy involved who I actually once became friend with, I felt that it is partly my mistake, my fault for not saying a single word after the two went out togather.
The girl believed that if the others thought her as friend should have warned her. But who would when she is actually so blindly in love?
However in my case the reason was a opposite. I believed in her intelligence in looking at people, people reading. I tried to tell her the danger, the worst posibility, but she did not actually listen. It is afterall her own romance. It is not in my position to judge or make any comment. I honestly believe and try my best to live with this.
The only thing I can do now is how that this experience will do good on the girl and she will move on healthy psychologically.
My sister read a book which that particular girl gave to her. It saids "true loneliness is when you have words you want to say, you have no one to listen to; when you are surrounded by people, you have nothing you can say"
I strongly feel loneliness in my entire year of year 12. There is never anyone I can really talk to about things I am really worrying about. Not anyone who would be able to take my view. I am absolutely against hence relucant to making others to look at things in my way. I have tried that for a million times and it hurts every single time. It kills everytime. I no longer have the luxury that my friends who would allie with me no matter what I do around me anymore. I don't have the cards to play with. I am out of choice but staying alone.
My father, who taught me the generous perspective is not even supporting that anymore. He taught me to look at the good quality of every single person . All I want to do is to be a generally kind person. That's all. But the balance is always hard to get.
People drift away from me just because of my determination on everything: on my persuit of a decent career and building of connections ,since being in a migrant family cause us to lose most of our connections, my determination in urging my spritual growth and treat people equally.
Is it wrong to hold sympathy to people? I try my best not to make anything obvious, I try to make myself humble, inspite that I know I have never been a truely humble person. There always had been a great degree of arogance in my personality. It is painful to admit. I try my best to admit, face and balance it out. It is difficult. I am just a teenager, or you may say a very young adult. I am starting to question the posibility in changing my nature in the relatively short life I have lived through now.
While my life might have appeared to be easy (and to some extent it is), there are difficulties which I have not manage to face yet. I don't know how to support my living from next year. It seems very impossible to be living on part time job even that I can get loan from the government for my university tution fees. I am accepting that fact that I might need some support from my parents in my university life afterall, but I really want to keep it to a minimal, just to show my gratetute to unconditional love and support I have recieved from them. Everytime I thought of how much my parents love me it brought me to tears...
At least I am doing one thing now, trying my best in exams and polish my English for studying law. No, I haven't read enough good writing yet. Yes, Dad you are absolutely correct about this. I really hope my stubboness did not get in way to this. I promise I would try harder in every aspects, including keeping myself happy and healthy.
While happiness can be so simplistic, I hope my life from now on, my career from now on can be something I can rejoice at. Although this makes the pursuit of happiness a very difficult task, I want to try. I want it badly.
